The last one
I've been meaning to write this for some time, and lately more and more friends leave comments asking for some kind of proof of life - so there. This is the last post I write in this blog. Maybe I'll start a new one if I ever feel like sharing again.
Perhaps the most relevant update would be that I've found my mathematician. My best friend. My soul mate, if you believe in that at all. Whenever I had a crush, or thought I was in love, I had an unstoppable desire to share it with my friends, to tell everyone about him, about what he does or says... For the first time, my love leaves me silent in front of the world, and I feel no need to share my joy with anyone but him. I find it pointless to start trying to explain to anyone what is between us, because probably no one would believe me or understand me, and because, once again, I don't really care if anyone understands or not. I keep it all to myself, like a selfish queen holds her greatest treasure in a deep hidden dungeon, only she knows the secret passage to.
I'll say this though. It's all very scary. For quite a while, I lived with a terrible fear that controled me, a fear I've decided to let go of tonight. You know how we all have a surface, a mask, a shell... call it whatever you want. I never even realized how important my shell really was to me, until someone broke right through it, so naturally, that I don't think he even saw it. He went straight for the soul, he didn't ask permission to take it, and I put forth zero resistance. So unlike me. I surrendered before the war had even started. All I did was say hello, and ask for a cigarette, and a couple of days later, I suddently realized I wasn't alone on the inside anymore, that he inhabited me completely. How afraid I was that he was going to ruin things in my world, misplace my thoughts and ideas, and step all over my rose garden. He has all opportunities to do that, but I shall let go of any fear, and put my faith in the thought that he will not. He's not an equation, he's no complex number, and he's not the music of the spheres. He's just a man, therefore not perfect. He's not perfect, like all the things I've put my faith in before, and from my mathematical perspective, faith in him is scary and divergent. I can't prove him like a theorem, I can't use induction to predict our future, but that's alright. I'll believe in him anyway, because that's what my whitchy instinct tells me. The same instict led me to him, and I don't believe in coincidences.
I'm happy, and I don't mean temporarily happy about getting an A, an award, or seeing my friends. This is a happiness of background. I've never had a happy background, and I'm not sure I even know how to be happy. I guess I'm learning... But I'm a really good student, and he's a really good teacher.
This blog has always stood under the sign of... well, loneliness of thought. It no longer represents me...
If this blog were a movie, here's your happy ending.